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la mia vita bella

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2006.09.21  22.14

Fire on the porch on a summer's night
All of my things are there inside
Black smoke rise up, burn on burn higher
I smell leaves and burning tires
Dogs in the meadows barking wild
Blackbird rise up, tell me what have you done

I'm not drunk and I'm not sad
There's nothing inside that I want back
Let me touch your lips, let me see where you're at
Do you wonder how I am tonight
Then don't lose time looking in my eyes
Not every tear means you're gonna cry

From the bottom of my heart
Comes a cold dark feeling
There is nothing but dust
In the layers I'm peeling

From the bottom of my heart
Beats a rattling drum
Marching back up the steps
Into the rays of the sun

Under crushing skies of grays
Paralyzed with phantom pains
Before this room became just a place
Where I just sleep through endless days
Spinning webs and carving names
Where thoughts break up, exploding in space

But I once crossed a quarter mile
Through black pools of razor wire
And cut through the steel
with the edge of a file
While singing rhaphsodies in stride
Hellbent and dignified
Now my time has come
Who you fooling and why?

From the bottom of my heart
Comes a cold dark feeling
There is eminent death
to the promise I'm keeping

From the bottom of my heart
Comes an army of one
Marching back up the steps
Into the rays of the sun

Pale-faces and hollowed eyes
Buried under ruptured skies
Not every smile
means I'm laughing inside
Two-face and compromised
I've enraptured you with lies
Everything means nothings
and tonight everything is mine

From the bottom of my heart
Comes a cold dark feeling
I have buried so much
In the layers I'm peeling

From the bottom of my heart
A battle will come
Marching back up the steps
Into the rays of the sun

From the bottom of my heart
Comes a cold dark feeling
Wrapped around tight
With no sign of leaving

From the bottom of my heart
A ballad is sung
Through a whisper she comes
Into the rays of the sun


  2006.09.01  20.36

so i've been updating a lot as of late. i suppose that's a good thing, granted i don't know that i've really had anything to update about, so i thought i'd list some thing that i want to do:

[in no particular order]
1)settle on a coast...either east(new england area) or west(northwest i.e. seattle)
2)lose weight/get back in shape
3)learn italian
4)backpack through europe & oceania(care to join me burt???)
5)pay off all the things i need to & improve my credit rating(whatever it may be)
6)get a place that i love
7)invest in a pair of christian louboutins
8)get back into yoga
9)start a scrapbook
10)worry less
11)get back to my first love---the love of my life: music
12)fall in love with someone who will actually love me back as much as i love them(it's a long shot, but i haven't completely given up just yet)
13)mend past relationships that actually were important to me, even if it just means being acquaintances
14)worry less
15)laugh more
16)get over my fears: water, heights, performing solo
17)see a sporting event i love live: summer olympics, world cup, red sox, miami heat
18)buy my mom fabulous diamonds because she deserves it
19)love more
20)go to tons of concerts of musicians i love, even if i have to do it alone
21)become ok with being by myself
22)learn to snowboard...in the swiss alps
23)take good photos
24)become comfortable in my own skin & realize that even though i'll never fit some "white standard of beauty", i'm pretty darn fabulous
25)keep in touch with the people who matter in my life: sarah, thomas, sara, bridgette, my family to name a few
26)stop trying to fit in and just fit where i belong...it's really not a bad place
27)learn to write music
28)let down my walls
29)eat sushi
30)visit the lourve
31)learn to play the guitar
32)do everything possible to get into Berklee
33)buy a bottle of expensive wine...and NOT drink it---well, at least not in one sitting :)
34)buy a bottle of cristal
36)make a difference
37)become a better person

...this list is bound to be added to, but i'm absolutely, 100% going to stick to it and i'll cross things off as i get them done. gotta have goals


  2006.08.31  23.36

ok, so i think that i give really good advice to my friends when they need it and i'm a firm believer (or at least i try to be) in taking my own advice.
i've recently figured out that when i do that, i kinda go to the extreme with it.
i really, truly believe that you can leave the life you have and start a new one despite all of the seemingly obvious excuses/obstacles that are there.
now, because i stand by everything i think/say/feel, whatever, i decided to do this.
it really wasn't a new revelation that my time could be better spent elsewhere and not at ku. problem though was so abrubtly deciding this and now i'm kinda like what in the hell do i do? i mean, i had everything semi-planned there, but i just couldn't follow through because i really started to dislike that life.
so leaving ku, good thing. sitting in limbo, not a good thing.
i know what i wanna do (go to berklee not to be confused with berkley) and while i know i can get in, i won't even lie and pretend like i'm not in the least bit scared shitless of the whole process. i know the caliber of talent they let in and it's a small school so i want to be assured that i'm in so now i'm like ok, i left my school because i knew where i needed to be but maybe i did it all too quickly because now i'm a little scared of actually taking that final jump because there will be no turning back.
ok, was that a super run on sentence??
my problem is that while i've always been confident in my talent and it's generally been recieved well, i've never been good at showcasing it and when that's what my entire future and livelyhood depend on, it's a little...nay, a lot unnerving.
why do we have to grow up???
it's a really good question because as much as i want to, i have yet to see a silver lining in adult life.
maybe i'll just be a hermit for awhile, work and then randomly move somewhere.
people do that all the time, but i don't like being lonely and i think i'd have to be lonely to just randomly go somewhere.
maybe i'll venture out to cali and plant some roots sarah???
good idea, no?
ahh hell, i hate my life (but i secretly love it because even though everything is crazy right now, i'm the one in the drivers seat so that deserves a little pat on the back)


  2006.08.30  15.59

it's really difficult to try and realign your life.
that's basically the only thought that runs through my head and it's probably the reason why i get so stressed and then i can't sleep, so then i'm tired because i haven't slept, which stresses me out because all i wanna do is sleep...welcome to the vicious cycle.
but yeah, it's so fucking difficult to go from a life where all you do is go to class(when you don't skip) and hang out w/ your friends(whether it be partying or just watching tv/eating) to a life where all of a sudden you're worrying about getting a job so that you can get your own place and then you have to make sure you save up enough money at said job you're looking for so that you can furnish the place, be able to pay bills, eat.
all of this at 20.
i won't be like my friends who are older than me but still live at home because they "have their own place" at school. it's really not the same.
like, i have to become a contributing member of society pretty damn soon.
i've got bills!
i feel like i have to start surrounding myself with people who see the bigger picture, but they don't exist.
oh man.
so i'm in the process of getting a well paying job where i'll be full time. i'll live at home so i can save up pretty much my entire paychecks and then buy a new car and move, but of course, before i move, i have to a)figure out where i want to firmly plant some roots and b)find a job & apt in said city.
i am seriously hating life right now.
of course, i'll never let anyone know this.


  2006.08.30  00.14
musings about myself

things you may or may not know about me:

i'm a shopaholic who hates to shop. i don't dread anything more than walking into a mall, looking into different stores, and the thought of trying on clothes is enough to throw me into a 3-year old caliber tantrum

i am a textured based eater. i don't like foods that are rubbery(mushrooms), slimy(avacado/guacamole)

i do not enjoy new york city. everyone says i should. apparently it's some mystical, magical place where people enjoy paying rent that is twice what they make in a month.

guys who like me back, freak me out. i put up a wall, don't return phone calls. i'm only attracted to the unavailable. for instance: the hottest guys in the world to me? gays. i guess i'm just a glorified fag hag

when i was a young girl, i LOVED boxing.

i have pretty much all of the singing/dancing in newsies memorized.

i think i could do fairly well on vh1's world series of pop culture.

i have lost the ability to do math. even simple stuff. whenever i have to figure out percentages for tips or whatever, i whip out the cell phone calculator. i blame computers.

i hate florescent lighting.

i talk to myself in the car. i have mock conversations with people in my head. i rehearse what i may say, or what i should have said and sometimes, it's just completely made up scenarios.

i am petrified of clowns, squirrels, and birds.

i will sometimes drive places but immediately turn around and forgo whatever reason i had for the outing if i see someone on my "last person on the face of the earth i want to run into" list.

i love, love, love european men and have every intention of marrying one.

i sometimes have to smell food before i eat it.

i sometimes dream and always think in song. i pretty much see life as one big musical.

whatever you say, i could probably think of a song or lyric about it.

i was blessed with reasonably good skin and never went through any acne stages, though i did have a scare once or twice in college.

when reading, i skim. magazines, books, websites.

while i believe in "heels all the time", i can't bring myself to actually committing to it just yet.

i have way more expensive taste than i can afford and one day plan on fully indulging in said taste, probably putting myself further in debt after student loans and shit.

i love scarves, pashminas...etc

when buying things off shelves(packaged food, cds, etc), i always pick the thing from the back for two reasons, one rational: if you grab it from the back, it's fresher and the second not so: i hate bringing home something that everyone and their dog has touched.

i obsess over how many spaces go after a period. i was always taught that it's two, but as of late, i've realized that other people only use one, so now i do too, but i secretly think it's wrong.

i was a cheerleader in hs. this is not a new fact, but during sporting events, i sometimes revert back to cheer ways such as how i clap and yell, but i try and be as subtle as possible. no one has caught on yet.

i can remember any song lyric, but couldn't remember facts about school subjects to save my life. this goes for old cheers & dances as well.

i'm totally confused by the fact that hawaii has it's own language even though it's a us state...but i love it and can even sing some songs in hawaiian :)

there are a million more random facts about me that you'll find out


  2006.07.23  01.52
the places you have come to fear the most...

ok so for the past several nights i'll lay in bed and a million thoughts will engulf me. i want to right all of them down, but it honestly seems just impossible to do. i really don't know that i could because i'll literally sit up in bed and the minute i do so, the thoughts all escape me. i don't know what it is. but i think i've honestly figured out what it is. it's the fear of actually knowing what you're coming up against. i was talking to my friend michael about what my philosophy on life was. for awhile i thought the entire movie to rent was my philosophy. i think it's a tiny piece of my life, but i think for the most part i'm just trying to breathe. does that make sense??? i think i've spent so much of my life worried about what other people are thinking of me and what i was supposed to do for other people that i'd gotten so overwhelemed by life and i forgot to breathe. it's the most simple action, but what people forget to understand is that the minute we stop breathing, it's the minute we stop living. i don't think. actually, i konw i haven't lived at all these last several years. i stopped caring about cece and what i wanted and i almost let myself get to that place where i didn't know who i was anymore. i refuse to let myself go down that road any further. i want to be happy and i don't know that i can really be that. it sucks because every night i swear i can feel a piece of me slipping away the longer i stay in salina. the futher i fall into abyss, the more i leave myself. what am i supposed to do??? where am i supposed to go??? what am i supposed to be??

i've honestly thought about "it". i don't know that anyone really knows what "it" is, but i have honestly thought aboutin just saing goodbye because maybe that would be better option. i hate not being happy. what am i supposed to do because i can't cry forever...

Mood: melancholy

  2006.07.17  00.08
things i wanna do...

ok so i've decided to make a list of things i want to do in the next few years:

-travel the world(israel, london, paris, new zealand, australia, japan, tahiti, fiji...just to name a few)
-meet a wonderful guy
-skydive...scary scary scary, but i think i can do it
-get a place somewhere(whether overseas or in the states)
-have a lovely job i enjoy
-meet new people with substance
-do some sort of missionary work in a foreign country
-go to the top of machu pichu(i think i spelled that wrong, but you know what i'm talkin about)
-learn another language...but from a native speaker...while i travel the world
-go snowboarding in the swiss alps...of course i'll have to learn how to snowboard first

i'm sure there will be more added to this list, this is just the beginning


  2006.07.14  21.54
the story of my life...well, actually, the song of my life

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by

This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...

Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

so i've decided that instead of posting actual journals, i'll find a song that mirrors how i'm feeling or something because i'm not good at talking about that kind of thing. besides, it's not as though anyone reads this and i've always wanted a soundtrack to play in the background of my life, so i guess this is as close as i'll get. this song definitely is something i can relate to because i think i've gotten to that place where the things that you've always known and thought were safe for you become the places and things you fear the most. i do feel like for years now i've always had this perfect outside, but i was totally just getting by in life because it wasn't me at all and i was just waiting for the day when i would be able to be myself. i dunno what else to really say, but yeah, it's scary, but it's worth it. isn't it?


  2006.07.13  23.30
song of the day:cruz

I'm leaving today
Living it, leaving it to change

Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze
Tounge tied and twisted are all my memories
Celebrating a fantasy come true
Packing all my bags
Finally on the move

I'm leaving today
I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change

As I'm driving, I'm captured by the view
So much beauty, the road becomes my muse
The heat is rising, and my hand surfs through the wind
Cool, calm, collective as a child that lies within

See I'm leaving today
I'm living it, oh I'm leaving it to change
See I'm leaving today
Oh yes, I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change
But somehow I'll miss it
I think I'll really miss it, one day

I turn up the radio
And I'm feeling like Ive never felt before
Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams
I bring, finally free(Ooo)

Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze...
Oh yeah!mmmm

I'm leaving today
Oh yes, I'm living it(oh yeah), leaving it to change(to change)
Oh no, see I'm leaving today(oh yes)
I'm living it(living it)
Leaving to change(ohhh)
I'm leaving today
Living it, leaving to change
Living(to change), leaving to change(oh yeah)
Living it, leaving it
Said I'm living it, I'm leaving it
Living it, leaving it to change
I'm leaving it to change
But somehow I'll miss it, I think I'll really miss it one day

i'm so excited to finally be doing something for me. not for anyone else. not my mom, not my friends, just me. it's all not worth it if i'm trying to please someone else because noone else can live my life for me. i know that i may sound a little bitter, but i promise that's not what it is. it's all just coming from a place that, in essence, has been stifled for so long, so if anything, it's just alot of pent up, jumbled emotions that come full force. trust me, i'm not as strong as i like to pretend to be. i'm scared. i'm absolutely terrified of what i don't know. i don't like for things to change, but i know that change is absolutely healthy & needed. it's not even the idea of change that scares me, it's what lies between what i know and what i don't know that terrifies me. what do i hold on to when i'm transitioning from one point in my life to another? i've finally got to learn to rely on myself and what i know, and that's the scariest thing in the world to me. i know alot of people aren't going to understand why i do what i do and that's to be expected, but the thing that people have to understand is that, if i could have it another way, i would in a heartbeat. it's hard to leave everything you know behind to find something out there that you're not even sure exists. at the same time, i know that i can't just sit back and let what i don't know keep me in one place. i don't like change. i absolutely hate the idea of it. the more things change, the more they stay the same and that's my tragic flaw: my inability to change. standing still, remaining in a place where i know things are going to stay the same is a total comfort for me. if nothing changes, then i don't have to be worried and if i'm hurting, the pain is at least familiar, but now i'm going to let go of my safety blanket and step out into the unknown. who says the unknown is so bad anyways? i'm falling without a net and if nothing else, i'll enjoy the feeling before i hit the ground and i'll always be able to say that i tried to find something else out there :) so here goes...


  2006.07.13  15.01
just for today

Just for today
I will not worry what tomorrow will bring
gonna try something new, all through this day
Like I've got nothing to prove

Although, I have the best intentions
Can't predict anyone's reactions
So I just do my best

I put, one foot in front of the other
I keep on moving forward
let faith do the rest

I don't know what's gonna happen
that's alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery

I don't know what's gonna happen
that's alright with me
I open up my arms and I embrace the mystery

Just for today I'm telling the truth
like it's going out of style
I'm gonna swallow my pride
be who I am
I don't care who don't like it
I feel, feel but I do it anyway
won't let it stand in the way

I know what I must do
there's no guarantee that it'll be easy
but I know that it'll be fulfilling
and it's time for me to show and prove

It's ok not to know
exploration is how we grow

It's ok to not have the answer
because sometimes it' s the question that matters

I do'nt know what's gonna happen
that's alright with me
I open up my eyes and I embrace the mystery


  2006.07.08  23.45
Long Time

So it's been a long, long time.
I don't even know what I've been doing.
I moved back home and it's been FABULOUS.<---I say that with every ounce of sarcasm I can muster up.
It's never fun back in Salina.
I don't have a single person in this town, so it just blows, but I definitely don't wanna do Lawrence anymore.
I am just really, really ready to go away.
Far, far away.
Start over, meet new people, do my own thing, learn who I am again.
I'm in some serious need of healing, so I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I'm really just sticking it out for now so I can work and save up money, then it'll be easier to peace out.
So I've actually decided to just do a semester off and get my financial situation right and then go back to school in January, but it won't be KU.
I've actually gotten into a few places that I really like, it's just a matter of where I really wanna spend another 2 years(or however long).
I just really need to get away and start fresh.
I don't wanna be around any of the same people that I am currently around.
I don't wanna be doing the same things that I already do.
I'm not running away from anything.
If anything, I'm running to something that I've always needed.
My sanity, reality, freedom, change...so many things.
I was talking to my ex-boyfriend from years & years ago and it was honestly the best thing ever.
It's funny how so many years can change two people and it's almost like we fit better now because we've both grown up and we're actually friends now.
He is honestly one of the very few people in this world(it's literally like 2) that truly understand me and what I mean when I feel this way.
We actually were talking about how we both wanted to move to London and we even decided that we should do it together...providing we're both not in relationships at that time.
By that time, we're thinking like a year or so.
I know, it's right around the corner, but better late than never.
I guess the feelings never really subside, but that's a good thing, right?
It's like the one amicable breakup I've ever had and we're both better people because of it.
Who knows...
Anyways, I finally bought the new India Arie cd because she is the only musician who doesn't make me feel like I have to fit some standard of beauty that I absolutely cannot.
Does that make sense??
What I mean is that everything she rights actually means something and actually makes me feel like it's just enough being me and if people don't like that, oh well.
That's another thing I've been trying to find...my old self.
The person who DIDN'T care what people thought of her.
I was once really comfortable in who I was and that's all changed somehow in the past 2 years.
I think that is a really big reason why I wanna leave KU and Kansas so much.
I can find that person again and not have to worry about how my "friends" are going to perceive it because it's not what they knew.
Oh, that's another thing, I was talking to my friend Michael a few days ago and I vented about how I really don't think I have very good friends at all with the exceptions of like Sarah & Jen...and Jen tends to be on the fence because she still has a some growing up to do.
I feel like I have really self-centered friends.
Some conciously know, some unconciously just are.
Either way, it sucks.
I really, truly, believe that many of them are not gonna know that I'm not in Lawrence for awhile, or at least until they're like oh I wanna drink, where's Cece.
Isn't that sad that I think that?
It's sad because it's true.
Oh well, that's life.
It's better to just nip the situation in the bud.
Anyways, I'm gonna go to bed because Salina is lame, therefore I become lame.
So I'll listen to some India and pretend like my life DOESN'T suck.

Mood: blank

  2006.06.13  18.25
decisions decisions

so my mom was really cool w/ the idea of me moving down to texas for however long and doing whatever, but then i talked to my cousin yesterday and she was like it's a cool idea, but you should take time off school after you've finished. essentially i don't like the idea bc i'm pretty sure i'm burnt out on school now, but then i got to thinking about it and i think i came to a new decision. transferring! i've currently got san diego, san francisco, & scottsdale az as choices. actually, those 3 are all my choices and i already put in apps and got a reply back from san francisco already as a yes. i still don't know what exactly i'm gonna do, so i'll fill ya in as the news progresses.


  2006.06.08  17.29
oh man

So yesterday morning I get a text from my friend Ashley telling me that my friend Katie and her mom had found her dad passed away in the morning. Talk about a way to start your day. So I, of course, didn't wanna believe it bc I'd seen her dad not too long ago and he was in perfect health. Anyways, so after it finally hit me, I instantly spent most of the day in tears and then trying to grasp how or why it happened. I still can't even believe it bc her dad always made me laugh and loved when I came over bc I always wanted to be fed. So the funeral is Saturday and I'm still in shock. It's gonna be a tough weekend with that.

Mood: confused

  2006.06.02  19.23
movin along...movin on

so i'm thinking of taking some time off school...indefinitely
it's the culmination of a lot of things that's really brought me to this conclusion actually.
i think that, in the past year especially, i've lost sight of what exactly i wanted in college and of myself and that feeling is horrible.
schoolwise, not counting this last spring semester, i haven't been doing well bc i haven't even put school #1 like i once did.
relationshipwise, i feel like i'm losing all of the important relationships i once had and the relationships that i do have aren't even built on a foundation that i want.
it's just become really hard to be who i want to be around all of this actually.
so there is about a 90% chance i'll be taking at least this fall off.
it'll be time to collect myself and realize what i actually want in life with no distractions.
i'm gonna be talking to my mom about it here soon, but i know that i absolutely do not want to be in salina for that time.
so i'm gonna see if i can stay with my brother in dallas/fort worth. or maybe my cousin in florida and if push comes to shove, i'll stay with my dad in cleveland.
i figure if i stay with my bro, they have a built in baby-sitter, which is a total plus and i have already been looking at jobs down there and actually found one that i would absolutely love.
same with my cousin, she's having her first baby this summer(if not this month), so i am, yet again, a built in baby-sitter.
and since she doesn't live that far from south beach, i can go there and meet new people.
really i just want to go somewhere, preferably where i have family. work, meet some new people, find some new prospects, and figure out what the hell is wrong with my life and how to fix it.
this could definitely be the scariest thing i ever do. going somewhere where i'm alone and having to really start over.
that is terrifying.
but i feel like this is something that i have to do bc the road that i'm on right now, i don't even like it.
i really believe that somewhere this downward spiral started and i started being the cece that everyone else wanted instead of the cece that i knew i was.
so i've gotta find her again and be happy with myself before i can even be back around ku or the people.
hopefully i can convince my mom to let me stay with family bc i just don't want to do this anymore and where school will fall from there, i don't know.
we'll just see where things end up...

Mood: lost

  2006.05.10  23.28
what's left of me...

ok, so i've been really good for the past few weeks getting over tyler and what have you.
i had decided that if i wasn't going to be worth his time, he wasn't going to be worth anything to me.
ok, easier said than done.
it's really easy to put someone outta your mind and forget how much they actually hurt you when they aren't around in any way, shape or form.
ok, so i'd totally moved on(or so i'd thought) until i get online and bam, guess who is on??
none other than tyler himself and all of a sudden all of these unresolved feelings come back and i'm like is he even gonna attempt to talk to me so i can give him a piece of my mind?? of course not!!
so i forgot how much he really hurt me and didn't care about it and that just plain sucks.
i want to get past it, but it's really hard because i know that in order for me to fully let go and move on, i have to talk to him, but it's like he does this everytime we get to a good place.
he fucks it up. it's his thing i guess and he never let's me go so it's impossible for me to let him go because i'm always like "oh well, i do still love him"
i 100% gave myself to him and i don't even really know who i am anymore and i HATE that. HATE IT with a passion.
i used to be so sure of myself and what i liked, disliked. i knew who i was and all of a sudden, i start giving so much of myself away that i just lost myself.
it's not even just with guys, but even with some of my friends.
i know that's totally shitty and i'll be the first to tell you that.
i have cried over tyler so many times in the past month, it's completely ridiculous and it's because i feel like without him, i don't even know who i am anymore.
i hate to think that somewhere the definition of me got screwed up and i could only be definied by some other person.
i was really starting to realize that it wasn't me who messed up. i did everything and i gave and gave but he just didn't want me. of course he'll change his tune in time because he always does.
it's always "cece, i fucked up a good thing with you. i don't deserve you...blah blah blah" and i fall for it everytime.
well, take my word people, this is the last time.
if you want to be with me, you're gonna have to really bring your a game because i'm not just going to give and lose myself anymore.
i think that nick lachey(yes, i've been listening to his cd for the past like 3 days) said it best, so i'm gonna leave you with his words:


Nothing but an empty page
Breathing in an open space
Captured by your moment's grace again
There's so much I left behind
Even more that waits in time
Everything's so undefined
I'm standing on the edge of my fear
And I see it clear

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
And I just want to be the best woman I can be
Breathe, it's my resolution

Living life without him here
Finding solace where I stand
And learning how to love again
And all I want is something real
That I can feel

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
And I just wanna be the best woman I can be

'Cause here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
And I just wanna be the best woman I can be
Breathe, it's my resolution

My resolution
(Ooh oh oh)

it sucks, but i gotta let him go to find me again...


  2006.05.09  12.06
thanks miss erica!!

10 firsts:

first boyfriend/girlfriend: Greg in kindergarten...ok, first REAL bf i believe was Nick Jerkovich
first best friend: Jordan Caulson in kindergarten...i wonder whatever happened to her??
first screen name: ckilat2004...or some shit like that
first kiss: David Gleason
first piercings: Ears
first crush: AJ Miller
first music: people like whitney houston, michael jackson, paula abdul...etc
first car: Mitsubishi Mirage
first stuffed animal: a bear i'm sure

9 lasts:

last crush: Bradford...more he had a crush on me and i started on him. he's a great guy, it's a shame when i meet a guy i really like and likes me back, they are transferring----to Mizzou of all places!!
last alchoholic beverage: well i had 14 different kind of shots ranging from vodka to rum to whiskey...i've still got tequila, rum, gin, & whiskey left
last kiss: Bradford i do believe
last movie seen: austin powers most likely
last phone call: tiffany
last cd played: nick lachey-what's left of me
last bubble bath: forever ago
last time you cried: i think when i was watching extreme makeover home edition...finally it wasn't over tyler!!
last date: brad & i had a little movie date before he went to columbia a couple weeks ago

8 have you evers:

have you ever dated one of your best friends: yes...damn near all of them! nick, brian, brandon, michael--they are the guys who know me best
have you ever skinny dipped: No
have you ever been on tv: i think
have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Who hasn't
have you ever fallen in love: i have and man does love hurt
have you ever lost someone you loved: Sadly yes
have you ever been depressed: Who hasn't? Clinically...no
have you ever woken up and not known where you were: hahaha yes!! i tend to be a shacker

7 places you've been to: (recently?)

1. budig
2. smith
3. my apt
4. Mrs. E's
5. ashley's
6. steven's
7. jessica's

6 things you've done today:

1. went to psych class
2. ate breakfast
3. stalked online
4. sudoku
5. talked to janelle
6. watched some music videos

5 favorite things in NO order:

1. family/friends
2. going out
3. prison break/24/house/other tv shows i enjoy
4. shoes
5. hugs/kisses

4 people you can tell [almost] anything to:
1. sarah
2. thomas
3. bridgette
4. kt

3 wishes

1. That people gave a shit about other people
2. That i could have a good relationship, from start to finish, with a guy & not get fucked over(here's to wishing)
3. that things were easier

2 things you want to do before you die:

1. Be so incredible happy that I feel like my life is a dream
2. maybe sky dive bc i'm terrified of heights

1 thing you regret:

1. tyler lamb...period


  2006.04.23  16.17
the audacity

i love when my "good friends" get angry/annoyed/upset whatever when i will say "bridgette & sarah are my best friends". it's not an unknown fact that they are and i don't even understand why or how you could even get pissed off about something like that. it in no way lowers your position in my friends circle. they are just the 2 people who effortlessly prove themselves to be worthy of that position. i don't even like people, so for me to like you is a huge accomplishment anyways! but the thing that makes me laugh the most is that people are so caught up in themselves and will make any and every situation about them. but it gets better when they send a text to you talking about you that you weren't supposed to get. yes yall, jen for no reason at all, tried to talk shit about me in a text message that she accidently sent to the wrong person...ME!! and then this bitch tried to back track and be like oh i meant to say... no sweetheart, you meant to say exactly what you said, you just meant to say it to some other person. so since i don't care for drama and she feeds off of it, i didn't even reply to her texts(which she is still sending me). and she has zero idea that she's actually getting off very very easy right now because hell hath no fury like cece scorned. trust me. if this situation weren't so motherfucking trivial, i would have been forced to get mad, not laugh like i did and then made her wish she was never fucking born. when i'm pissed, i will make you feel like you are less than nothing and i won't think twice about it and i sure as fuck won't feel bad about it later. don't fucking cross me and then try and cover your ass because you got caught up. but it's whatever and all it does is reiterate my point...people are fucking unreliable and shady and shitty and self-centered. i'm really, really contemplating pulling a sarah burtoft and just up and leaving and only telling people that i care about. can you believe the audacity of people because i sure can't. now i'm gonna go continue watching rent and laughing about this absolutely asinine situation.


  2006.04.11  00.08
i get bored tooooo often...probably cuz i can't sleep

*Name: Cece
*Commonly called: Cees
*Age: 19...24 days til i'm 20!!
*Location: Lawrence KS
*Status: it's complicated...we'll just say single
*Sign: Taurus...a very stubborn bull at that
*Music: most everything
*Favorite Band/Solo Artist: too many...Daniel Powter, Gavin DeGraw, James Blunt
*Favorite Movie: RENT
*Favorite Actor/Actress: Angelina Jolie/Morgan Freeman
*Favorite Color: green
*Favorite Animal: white bengal tiger
*Best Friend: Sarah, Sara, & Bridgette
*Worst Enemy: ASHLIE ST.CLAIR!!
*Favorite Name: no idea
*Favorite School Subject: my film classes
*Favorite Author: Toni Morrison
*Favorite Book: The Bluest Eye
*One Word That Describes You: complicated
*How Others Would Describe You In One Word: no idea
*Current Time: 12:10 am

:...More In-Depth Questions...:
*What's your worst fear: being less than i am/can be & being alone
*What's the one thing in life that's most important to you: having the people that i love & love me around
*Have you ever felt alone: too often...especially now
*Have you ever felt overwhelmingly loved: i have & it's the best feeling in the world
*Have you felt like the world is going to end: maybe not the world itself, but my world possibly
*Have you been so happy that you had to scream for joy: mmhmm
*What's the most traumatic event that's happened to you: i don't know if i can quite pinpoint the day, but i'm sure it was what started the somewhat cynical cycle of my life
*Have you ever cried in front of someone, and felt ashamed of it: no
*Have you ever acted troubled, just to get attention: never...i don't even like attention, why do you think i pour my heart out in an online journal??
*Have you ever lied to someone and it hurt you more than it could ever hurt them: i hope not
*Have you told someone you loved them, but didn't mean it: i don't like to throw that word around lightly
*Do you have a secret that you'd rather die over than admit: i don't believe so
*Are you ever paranoid: sometimes
*Have you cried over happiness: i have
*Who do you love the most: that's really hard to say actually
*Have you ever wanted to be totally and utterly alone: all the time
*Ever broke any bones: nope
*Has a friend betrayed you, but you ignore it because you know deep inside they didn't mean it: nope, those people are outta my life
*Do you privately think thoughts you'd never share: all the time
*Have you ever wished you were someone else: sometimes too often
*Do you believe in God--If not, what's your belief: i believe in something
*Do you prefer to be awake or asleep: i would rather sleep, but i can't
*Do you enjoy nightmares, dreams, or daydreams the most: dreams
*Are you ever entranced by the moon, sun, or stars: no
*Do you believe in love at first sight: i think i do, but i don't think it'll ever happen to me
*Have you been in love: mmhmm
*Do you believe in psychics: no
*Do you believe in horoscopes: only when it is randomly right
*Are you overall happy with life: i dunno if i can answer that question right now
*If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be: i'd rather not say
*If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be: there are too many things that need to be changed in this world
*If you could relive one single moment from your whole life, when would it be: any moment with my sarah :)

Mood: contemplative

  2006.04.09  14.30

+ Clothes and stuff.

1. What do people tend to label you as (i.e., Chav (townie) Prep, trendy, punk, Goth, mambo, skater etc):

2. Do you choose to label yourself (if you do, what as?):not really bc my friends are all kinds of people...people who are not afraid to be themselves

3. Describe your dress sense: put together...matching, cute, not trashy, not overtly attention getting...me

4. What are you wearing right now: 7even jeans, green tank w/ lace trim, white top over, either silver flats or brown/tan wedges

5. What jewellery are you wearing: just my studs...i'm a minimalistic person when it comes to jewelery...the next piece will be my engagement/wedding ring

6. What are you most known for wearing: probably sweats...hilary had to get me outta that and put me in jeans last year

7. Do you belong to a particular clique? i've always been with the popular kids if that means anything, but since college, i've been friends with everyone...i'm a chameleon

8. Friends wise – do you hang around with people who dress the same as you? for the most part, yes

9. What particular clothes style do you hate and why: i really honestly hate gothic clothing...yes, i'm shocked too bc it still exists

10. Describe your hair: cute...i think i'm gonna go for the sienna miller look

11. Do you take pride in your appearance? absolutely

+ The opposite sex. (Or same, depending)

12. Would you say you were straight, gay or bi? straight all day, everyday

13. What is your attitude to gay relationships if you’re straight? i don't mind it one bit

14. Do you know anyone who is gay or bi? yes

15. Who? karlen, clint, chase, amelia, miguel, andrew, kevin...tons more

16. Have you ever had a sexual experience with someone of the same sex? nope

17. Are you currently in a relationship? oh don't even get me started on tyler...

18. If your answer is no – do you want to be? again, don't get me started

19. Do you have a specific type in guys (or girls)? honestly, no...people would never believe that. i mean, i have my staples, but i really just want a guy who loves me and wants to be with me, from there i'm wonderful

20. What kind of people will you NOT go out with? ok, this is gonna be extremely vain, but i really don't wanna be around unattractive people---not a problem bc my friends are great looking folk...and i don't wanna be around people who use me to get to someone else i.e athletes

21. What kind of people would you LOVE to go out with? the people i already do!! but sarah bc she's not here with me and i miss her everyday like crazy

22. Do you have crushes (if so, who are they :::describe:::): hahaha...oh we're not gonna go down that road

23. What song makes you feel most romantic? i listen to a lot of country and i love it...guys like gavin degraw as well bc i honestly believe every word he says and it makes me not so cynical about love

24. What’s your age limit (you won’t go out with people older than…)? not more than 3 years older

25. Would you go out with people younger than you? absolutely NOT

26. Are you in love? hahahaha

27. Have you ever been in love with someone who wasn’t available to you? probably so

+ Music

28. What song are you listening to now? for you i will-teddy geiger

29. Name 6 of your favourite bands and singers: Gavin DeGraw, Teddy Geiger, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Dierks Bentley, Brad Paisley

30. How often do you listen to music: how often am i alive? when i'm awake, when i'm asleep, when it's not even on

31. How would you describe your music taste: eclectic...i like music that actually means something

32. Is the music you like a strong representation of you and your personality? absolutely

33. Can you sing, or are you in a band? i can sing very well, i just don't like to do it for people

+ Favourites

34. Favourite Films (list a minimum of 3): RENT, Moulin Rouge, Little Mermaid

35. Favourite T.V shows (list 3): 24, House, Prison Break

36. Favourite Drinks (list 3): water, sprite, vodka

37. Favourite Ethnic Food (Don't just put down "Chinese".. what specifically..): chicken fried rice i suppose

38. Favourite Snack Items (list 3): pringles, gushers, oreos

39. Favourite Books (include authors): he's just not that into you by that one guy who's name escapes me right now

40. Favourite Drawing Medium (ie. Pencil, Pastels, Conte, Charcoal): pencil

41. Favourite Cereals (list 2): frosted flakes, oreo-o's

+ Family Friends

42. Do you have a big family? pretty big

43. Who are you closest to? my cousin susan & my brother ken

44. Do you get on better with your mum or your dad? mom

45. Do you get along with your siblings? actually yeah, the older we get the easier it becomes

46. Who lives with you? my mom, my sis, my bros

47. Are your parents divorced? yup

48. One best friend or a lot of friends? well i've got more than one best friend, but i've got a lot of friends too

49. Who was the last friend you hung out with, and what did you do? monica, thomas, donald, oscar...partied at steven's....GREAT times

50. Who was the last friend you chatted with on the phone? tiff probably

51. Is there one particular thing you can do with one friend that you can’t do with any of the others? i can talk to sarah about ANYTHING

52. Who can you tell all your secrets to? sarah

53. Who was the last friend you were annoyed with and why? jen...oh goodness bc jen loves jen and everything is always about jen---it's very annoying

54. Which friend do you share most in common with? sarah, bridge, thomas

+ Random questions

55. Do you have a mobile phone? yup

56. What make is it? samsung

57. What do you use it for? texting, i'm not much for phone convos unless they're with tyler, but i haven't talked to him in a like a week, so mostly for texting

58. Who is the first person listed in your phone (book): a.o.

59. What’s the situation with the weather right now, where you are? 65...beautiful

60. Do you like rain? not being in it

61. What time is it? 2:40

62. What are you having for dinner? who knows

63. What are you going to do tomorrow? going to school, watchin prison break & 24, then shalom in the home

64. What was the last movie you watched? RENT

65. What are your favourite names? sophia/sophie, aidan, evan, eli, ethan

66. What’s your favourite take out food? either wings from gumbys or chicken fried rice

67. In single words (not sentences) describe your personality: funny, real, honest, reserved

68. Name a few people you can’t stand: ashlie st. clair...period

69. When was the last time you laughed hysterically and why? a little bit ago bc janelle has recently started getting hit on by lesbians hardcore and she was tellin her mom and her mom was like "so...what's the problem"---cutest korean lady ever

70. When was the last time you were scared and why? last night...lol ugly guys chased after our car

71. How old are your grandparents? oold

72. What’s your nearest church called? st. lawrence

73. The last time you ate birthday cake? prob tiffs

74. The last book you read? i don't

75. The next book you’re going to read? not

76. Do you have fantasies (Whether sexual or not, you tell me): i have this slightly asinie fantasy of being happy...completely totally happy

77. Who was the last person who showed you affection? umm....tyler?? wait no, i always get big loving hugs from monica, thomas, donald, & oscar

78. What’s your favourite Shakespeare play? othello

79. When you go into a bookshop, which section do you head for? no idea

80. When was the last time you were so overly annoyed, you wanted to scream blue murder: last night

81. Who was the last person you spoke to through IM: bryan, thomas's lil bro

82. What’s the date today? 04/09/06...26 days til my bday, not that i'm counting :)

83. If you died, what song would you want to be played at your funeral: no idea


  2006.04.07  17.17
One of the many theme songs of my life...

So I find that there are a million songs that really hit the nail on the head about my life...here is one of my newest:

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

I've decided that this is my song that will help me get over situations...so I don't dwell---let's see how that works...

Mood: lonely

  2006.04.06  23.42

So if you spend around $700 on me willingly
without my ever asking
with you in fact pleading..begging me to come see you
Would you ignore me?????


  2006.04.04  21.46
are you kidding me??!

so it's been a generally shitty day with all the stupid emotions that keep bombarding me regarding tyler.
no big deal.
i've never been one to concern other people with my problems, so i politely told jen that i wasn't really in the mood to be around anyone tonight and i just wanted to shower and go to bed and forget the entire day.
now, mind you, jen "lives" in ellsworth but stays, eats, showers, at my apt EVERY DAY!!!
she calls monica and basically tells her that she needs to stay at monica's(instead of her own place) bc i don't want her to stay with me.
she absolutely made it sound like i didn't even want her here, which is WRONG WRONG WRONG.
fact of the matter is i actually hate being alone but i figure i am alotted at least ONE TIME to be alone, cry if i want, listen to my sad songs if i want and not have people be all pissed off about it.
whatever, fuck that.
i'm tired of people thinking everything is about them when i actually bend over backwards to make sure they are fine and don't have to worry about my problems, whatever they may be

fuck that
fuck them


  2006.04.04  18.46
What Hurts The Most...

Ok so I had the best weekend in D.C with Tyler.
I've honestly never spent like every waking moment with anyone(with the exception of Sarah) and it was really nice.
He and I ate together, talked all the time...he was honestly the sweetest guy ever to me.
We went to his mom's(who loves me still!) and I spent time with the family.
It was just a really good thing.(Not to mention I got some...though I'm sure noone wanted to know that)
Anyways, after he dropped me off as far as he could go in National, he sent me a text telling me he loved me and he missed me.
He's been tellin me he loves me since we first dated forever ago.
I totally believe it.
He's said it to my face, via text, and in phone convos, so I know he means it.
So can someone tell me why I'm currently sitting here with a half bottle of wine completely bummed out about him???
I didn't wanna go down this road again, I really honestly didn't.
I can't need someone this much.
I guess I'm right when I really say I'm not as strong as people say I am.
Tyler has me under this spell where I feel like I need him to call me, to tell me he loves me...TO REMEMBER ME!!!
Do you know how much that hurts to be forgotten by someone who is supposed to love you????
I really do love him which is why this sucks so much.
He's based in MD, I'm in KS.
Why can't the people I love be around me??
Sara, Sarah, Tyler...
I just don't understand.
And all of a sudden he's too busy to talk to me when this time last week he was texting, calling me everyday.
I don't wanna cry about it, but it just isn't what I wanted.
It's not what I want...
So maybe I'll finish off this bottle of wine

This just sucks.
I miss everyone...
I hate being alone...
I need to be alone

P.S. we were watching scenes from Breakfast at Tiffany's in my film music class and I literally had to hold back tears during Moon River because I almost cried...



  2006.04.02  23.58

Best. Weekend. Ever. (minus the initial flight there)

So me & Tyler...yup---good stuff

& his family LOVES me

....I am pathetic....



  2006.03.28  22.19
It's always like this isn't it???

So remember Tyler?? I know you do Sarah...we love Lamb of God
So anyways, we've been friends since we were little and of course, that always has to progress into something more than that.
It never fails
So we were together, we weren't together.
It's been that way for what seems like forever now.
Anyways, we're together I guess you could say now.
This weekend, he's flying me out to see him and we're staying in D.C...well right outside
And it's gonna be just us...
That's a little scary
So we talk everyday...I don't talk to anyone everyday(not even my Sarah) but it's mostly because I hate phone conversations
I dunno why, I just feel like all the "something" is gone---dunno what it is.
Anyways, we talk everyday, mostly about nothing, so I don't even know why I care for these conversations, but then he says it...
"I love you"
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?!
There are honestly no words for how much Tyler makes me happy and it's really obvious, but I just don't want this to be like every other time for us.
We're good...we're great for a long time and then BAM!!! Something always has to change...
I guess this weekend will be the big test---
Will us...alone...in D.C change things??
Stay tuned...

Mood: contemplative

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